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Signs You Drank Too Much
- You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.
- Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
- Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli. - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
- Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
- For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.
- You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
- Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
- Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
- Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants. - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
- Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
- You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.
- You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. - Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. - Your career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat. - You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence? I think not! - Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed. - The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor... - Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
- Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
- At AA meetings you begin: 'Hi my name is... uh...' Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
- You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed.
- The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
- You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].
- Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.
- Roseanne looks good.
- Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
- That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
- Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
- I'm as sober as a judge.
- The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
- You wake up screaming 'TORO TORO TORO!' in the middle of the night.
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| Required Reading |
| Forget textbooks! Get Maxim, Rolling Stone, GQ, and more! |
| Your Pad |
| Get posters, blacklights, and candles to decorate your place! |
| Drinking Devices |
| You will not find these in Wal-Mart. Get the party started with these necessities! |
| Everything Sexual |
| Edible body paints, condoms and everything else you need! |
| Customized Items |
| Customized shirts, mugs, and hats for your fraternity, sorority, or group! |
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