Things to Say and Do Guaranteed to Spice up Your Thesis and Dissertation Defenses
- Begin the defense by charging a cover and checking for ID.
- Charge a two-drink minimum.
- Begin with "Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem."
- Follow that with a joke that starts with "Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into a bar..."
- Bring coffee and charge 25 cents a cup.
- "Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.
- Describe parts of your dissertation using interpretive dance.
- Lead your committee members in a Wave.
- Break the tension at appropriate moments with a sing-a-long.
- Answer tough queries with "You call THAT a question? How'd you ever get to be a professor?"
- Have bodyguards outside the room to discourage attendance of certain professors.
- Present your defense using puppets.
- Before you begin your presentation, sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.
- In addition, pass a collection basket.
- Answer complex issues in mime.
- Use the ocassion to hold a Tupperware party.
- Have bikini-clad models in charge of changing your overheads.
- At approximately the mid-point of your defense bring out maracas and shout "Everybody rumba!!"
- Explain nonsignificant findings with "It would have worked if it weren't for those f*%ing kids."
- Refuse to answer tough questions "in protest of our government's systematic and brutal opression of minorities."
- Offer door prizes and conduct a raffle.
- Ask professors to "Please phrase your question in the form of an answer."
- Interrupt every 15 minutes with the announcement "And now, a word from our sponsor."
- Present critical parts of your defense in iambic pentameter.
- In your announcement, inform your committee that it will be a black tie affair.
- Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.
- Announce to your committee that "There will be a short quiz after my presentation."
- Bring your pet boa.
- Bring snacks and start a food fight.
- Slap your committee chair with a glove and challenge him to a duel.
- Arrange for a halftime show.
- Bring a big foam hand that says "I'm #1."
- Pass out souvenier matchbooks.
- Hang a pinata over the table and hire a strolling mariachi band.
- Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question asked.
- Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.
- When necessary, say "I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're out."
- Dress in top hat and tails.
- Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire.
- If you sense that things are not going well, threaten to detonate a small nuclear device in the room.
- Show slides of your last vacation.
- Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.
- If members of the committee begin to argue among themselves announce: "OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."
- When in trouble, begin speaking in tongues.
- Answer every question with a question.
- Hand out 3-D glasses.
- Announce credits at the end. Include a "key grip" and a "best boy."
- Make a practice of replying, "Sure, I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you."
- Ask a friend and conspirator to attend and ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun and "shoot" him. Have him make a great scene of dying. Be sure to include fake blood. Turn to your committee and ask "Other questions?"
- Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, a clown nose, and nothing else.
- Install "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs.
- Use a TelePromTer
- Alter the clocks in the room and begin your defense 15 minutes before anyone arrives.
|Forget textbooks! Get Maxim, Rolling Stone, GQ, and more!
|Get posters, blacklights, and candles to decorate your place!
|You will not find these in Wal-Mart. Get the party started with these necessities!
|Edible body paints, condoms and everything else you need!
|Customized shirts, mugs, and hats for your fraternity, sorority, or group!