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Health Watch
  The Graduate Student's Guide to Self-Diagnosis and Treatment
(3 AM Version)It is not unusual for a grad student to feel strains and stresses in the body during late night lab marathons. In spite of this fact, there is an appalling shortage of health clinics open at the hour that these symptoms usually begin to manifest. In recognition of this deficiency, this `how-to' list has been compiled to aid the graduate student in this time of need.

 Symptom Probable cause Treatment(*) 
 Aching legs Frequent trips to not-so-near neighbouring labs to use equipments not found in your own.  Move the equipment into the lab you are working in. Those with a sense of humor can try asking thei P.I.'s to buy them their own equipment.
 Burning sensation in eyes  Eyeballs attempting to crawl out of your sockets in a bid to escape chronic exposure to acetic acid/methanol vapours that have equilibrated with the lab's already volatile atmosphere.Confine all gel destainin practices to your boss's office. (Fumehood?! We don't need no stinkin' fumehood!).
 Inability to turn head  Neck injury incurred while trying to simultaneously watch column not run dry  while playing ``Cat Shaver'' on the computer.  Accept as a fact that the moment your back is turned, the column will run dry on you anyway. Enjoy your game.
 Burning sensation on head (usually preceded by the crisp scent of melting hair) Unsafe use of ethanol during flame sterilization.  Visit your local burger joint and beg for a hairnet donation. (This presumes that you don't work there part-time to make up the balance of your salary, in which case you should already have your own hairnet.)
 Lightheaded giddiness  Sleep deprivation. Practice performing simple lab techniques while sleeping. You can pipett water instead of chemical to start with. Soon you will find yourself able t catch up on your sleep while doing that all-important mini-prep o western blot! (This suggestion strongly endorsed by the inexhaustable Dr. Kay.)
 Lower back pain  Centrifuge rotors  Take sample with you on any one of the numerous spinning rides at the amusement park and hold the tube away from the center of rotation as far as possible. Ride for 3 hours or until nausea ensues.

          (*)Suitable replacement for all suggested treatments is to go home already!
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