No experience necessary -- The mother of all shit jobs

Administrative assistant -- Shit job with a title

Ground floor opportunity -- Shit job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year

Progressive company -- Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday

Team player -- Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities

Upbeat personality -- Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug and alcohol rehab benefit within the first year

Word processing skills essential -- There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future.

Public relations -- Receptionist

Professional appearance important -- $20K/year that requires a $100K wardrobe

Pleasant telephone manner -- Be voice of 1-900-SUCK

Earn up to $300/hr -- *BE* 1-900-SUCK

Salary range $24K to $32K -- This salary is $24K

Jeans job! -- Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions

Will train -- Prior conviction of a or two, no problem

B.A. required, master's preferred -- Must be an M.A. and be willing to work on a B.A.'s salary

Civil service -- This job was filled from the inside six months ago

Women & minorities encouraged to apply -- White males need not waste the stamp

Outstanding benefits package -- Health insurance

Tons of variety! -- We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them in to one job.

Top-notch communication skills -- Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive locations -- Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting

Secretary -- Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management and wages of a migrant worker

Executive secretary -- The most powerful position in any company

Dedicated -- You're looking at a minimum of 80 hrs/wk from now until we force you in to early retirement

Salary commensurate -- We will pay whatever the hell we feel like

Salary negotiable -- We will take the lowest bidder

  Competitive salary -- We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job. but not one penny more

Competitive starting salary -- Ten cents above minimum wage

Pleasant atmosphere -- A staff of pod people

Professional atmosphere -- Zombie pod people

Fun, creative atmosphere -- Pod people from hell

Dynamic atmosphere -- Zombie pod people from hell

Gal Friday -- Anyone who actually applies for this job and deserves it

Self-starter -- Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means