By Joe Gilgour

Published: Thursday, November 7, 2002

My roommate is so hot, or so I am told. I am not a good judge of a man's attractiveness, but from what the girls here at school tell me, he is one of the most eligible men on campus. He is humble enough that he does not usually believe these rumors because he always hears them from someone who heard them from someone else and so on.

I will be home alone, and two or three girls will come in the house and ask for my roommate. When I inform   them that he is not home, they have a look of terror so horrible ... it is as if I told them he was buried in the basement (Of course, he is not buried in the basement, mainly because we do not have a basement, but I could find some place). After the shock of his absence wears off, the girls try to create small talk with me in order to not hurt my feelings. By this time, they seem to think I still believe they could have possibly come to see me. Awkwardly, they ask me how my weekend went and how the semester is going. The awkwardness reminds me of the first time I talked to a girlfriend a week after we broke up. They anxiously create small talk to kill a few minutes before they suddenly realize they have to be somewhere. The girls on this campus must be busy, because every time they come over and my roommate is not home, they have urgent plans they must attend to.

I am not complaining. I do not care why girls come over as long as they do, even if it is just for an awkward three minutes. Now when my gorgeous roommate makes his triumphant return, the girls are long gone. When I tell him what happened, he does not believe me. That is the kind of guy he is: humble—or stupid. I am not sure which, but he seems like a pretty intelligent guy; he just always misses the action. He likes to believe I have nothing better to do on a Friday night than imagine girls coming in to see him. Actually, I have plenty of things to do on Friday nights…like watch "World's Wildest Police Chases." That show rules.

Hey girls! Am I attractive? I feel like Screech on "Saved by the Bell." He always followed Zack around and had to be the answer man when Zack was not there. Screech had to answer questions like, "is Zack interested in me?" or "does Zack like me?" The girls never once think that Screech may be secretly hurting inside because no one asks Zack the same questions about him.

When I tell people who my roommate is, they (the girls and some guys) always say, "He is so hot!" Then I ask my roommate if anyone ever says that to him when he tells him or her who his roommate is. "No, and stop asking me that!" is always his reply, and yet I ask every day. Last year's "Bachelor of the Year" cannot take a few minutes out of his busy social schedule to lie to me and tell me yes, girls do ask about me and say I am attractive. That is all I want. I do not care if it is true. I just need something to help me sleep at night.

  I am a nerd, I know. I am pretty sure most girls on this campus know that, too. However, I do have some talent. I mean, people do read my articles; that is something, right? I know the only reason some girls read my articles is because they hope I might reveal my roommate's e-mail address. Well too bad girls. I will not do that, because I do not know what it is. But, I will print out any e-mails sent to me about him and deliver them to him. He loves to get mail.


Joe Gilgour is the humor columnist for the Omnibus at Southwest Baptist University. Mr. Gilgour would like to invite all girls (and guys) who are interested in his roommate to come see him perform in "The Importance of Being Earnest" this weekend in Pike Auditorium. Tickets are available near Davis-Newport Theatre. Mr. Gilgour will be there as well and, after the show, he will be happy to point girls in the right direction to find his roommate. Mr. Gilgour recommends showering his roommate with flowers and gifts after the show, since it is his roommate's birthday. For more information on dating Mr. Gilgour's roommate or coming to see the show, e-mail Mr. Gilgour at joegilgour@hotmail.com.