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How to Annoy Your Roommate
Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what she is talking about.
Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere."
Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."
Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of new lightbulbs.
Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find One that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."
Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 555-9494! Holy cow!)
Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.
Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.
Repeat thoughtfully the last word of everything your roommate says (e.g., Your roommate: "How are you doing today?" You: "Today.... Today......")
Continually refer to your roommate using terms of endearment (sweetcheeks, honeybuns). Slap him/her in the face if s/he ever does the same.
Twitch. A lot.
Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
Walk and talk backwards.
Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
Smoke ball-point pens.
Smile. All the time.
Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
Listen to radio static.
Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
Cry a lot.
Send secret admirer notes to your roommate's e-mail.
Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out. Use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds and then hang up.
Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.
Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.
Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
Skip to the bathroom.
When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
Burn incense.
Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
Wipe deodorant all over your roommate's walls.
If you know that s/he is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
Get some fake hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.
Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When s/he does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like THEY were here again."
Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.
Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, no! Where am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.
Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
Lock the door while your roommate is out. When s/he comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."
Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.
Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bullseye.
Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."
Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
Sign your roommate up for various activities (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).
Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.
Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.
Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Stupid road runner...."
Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.
Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.
Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."
As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.
Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be." Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.
Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming, "Let me in." Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.
Talk on the phone a lot. Don't pick up the receiver.
Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.
Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night. Ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music. Explain that Bob has a headache.
Constantly slip and fall -- on your carpet.
Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything.
Walk into walls.
When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use the telescope.
When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm watching you."
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| Required Reading |
| Forget textbooks! Get Maxim, Rolling Stone, GQ, and more! |
| Your Pad |
| Get posters, blacklights, and candles to decorate your place! |
| Drinking Devices |
| You will not find these in Wal-Mart. Get the party started with these necessities! |
| Everything Sexual |
| Edible body paints, condoms and everything else you need! |
| Customized Items |
| Customized shirts, mugs, and hats for your fraternity, sorority, or group! |
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